THE Break-Up….

Last year, I experienced a Friendship BreakUp. One that I certainly didn’t see coming to an end but that I am grateful for the experience of. Ironically enough I initially wrote this still fresh in the emotions of the breakup and we bless the Lord for the Holy Spirit because one of the commitments I made when starting this blog was to always release from a healed place and the Holy Spirit has definitely held me to that…So, after some much-needed time to reflect and heal, here we go…

In 2024 I wanted to be intentional about loving myself and teaching people how to treat a healed me, and not the broken version of myself that people pleased and allowed me to be a doormat of convenience. Although not all, here are a few of the ways I intended and still do intend to maintain while rediscovering how to maneuver and navigate being a friend and receiving friendship.

•I wouldn’t complain (about anything but if I did I’d be quick to repent and rejoice through whatever it was)

•I would be intentional about maintaining boundaries and enforcing them on myself before anyone else

•I WOULD COMMUNICATE MY NEEDS AND DESIRES OF MY FRIENDSHIPS WITH MY FRIENDS

Coming to terms with the reality of the last of these was the hardest for me to do because I typically am THE strong friend. I’m the motivator, the shoulder to cry on. I am the intercessor and the voice of encouragement more often than not. So much so that a part of me normalized not having my “friends” show up for me and I was suffering in “strength”.

July 2023 shifted the scope of “friendships”/ “relationships” for me but also shifted how I would go before the Lord. My youngest son fell over 40 feet from our apartment window and by the grace of God, he’s well and healthy. My son falling shook the unstable table which sat “my friendships” and, the overall relationship I existed within.

I recently saw a post where someone was saying that cut-off culture is so toxic because people aren’t allowed to correct or fix the error of the relationship before they cut off their relationship. To an extent, I do agree with this, but I also want to shed light on the fact that more often than not even when communication exists with the intent to save the relationship, the relationship will still die, because both parties are not willing to do the work to maintain the relationship.

The gut-wrenching reality that the foundation of this relationship was forged off of trauma, and because healing looked different for both of us the familiarity amongst one another also became the unidentifiable traits as we individually in our perspective ways worked through the very things that brought us together.

With all of my friendships, the biggest element of these relationships for me is ACCOUNTABILITY. Hold me accountable and I will do the same because no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may be in that moment if you as my friend can’t hold me accountable who can?

In my efforts to hold my friend accountable, I was told, “I cannot be to you who you have been to me.” And now, having given it time and seeking the Lord about myself because y’all know I’m asking about me before I’m asking about anybody else...I can honestly say that inadvertently, I did expect ME in some capacity from her, and because my actions taught her that she didn’t have to show up for me even minutely, the way I showed up for my asking of this not only was off-putting to her but completely out of bounds for what was defined as our relationship.

Throughout this process, I have had the please of a few things being exposed about me:

~I battled HARD with a savior complex, and in turn, when I got tired of saving, fixing, and doing whatever else I was doing, I was often left empty and drained the other party was nice and settled into who I was presenting and the whole time because Jesus is my savior who am I saving? In your best Keith Sweat voice, NOBODY BABY!

~I often present as a fixer masked as an enabler, and if people always believe I’ll show up for them they never have a reason to show up for themselves.

~I HAD TO HEAL MY TRAUMA VS HIDE MY TRAUMA (that’s a whole different blog for a whole different day, but if you caught it HOLD IT BECAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT NEED TO FOR YOU!

~The greatest thing to come of all of this is the acceptance that I do not need to overcompensate because I either am or am not enough and that is okay!

Although initially, I thought I experienced a friendship breakup, I’ve embraced that instead, I’ve experienced a breakup with a severe case of imposter syndrome and an identity that was never mine to begin with. As I continue this journey of healing and releasing and sharing this journey with y’all, as always I desire that as a collective we grow!!!

I LOVE YOU!