THE Break-Up….

Last year, I experienced a Friendship BreakUp. One that I certainly didn’t see coming to an end but that I am grateful for the experience of. Ironically enough I initially wrote this still fresh in the emotions of the breakup and we bless the Lord for the Holy Spirit because one of the commitments I made when starting this blog was to always release from a healed place and the Holy Spirit has definitely held me to that…So, after some much-needed time to reflect and heal, here we go…

In 2024 I wanted to be intentional about loving myself and teaching people how to treat a healed me, and not the broken version of myself that people pleased and allowed me to be a doormat of convenience. Although not all, here are a few of the ways I intended and still do intend to maintain while rediscovering how to maneuver and navigate being a friend and receiving friendship.

•I wouldn’t complain (about anything but if I did I’d be quick to repent and rejoice through whatever it was)

•I would be intentional about maintaining boundaries and enforcing them on myself before anyone else

•I WOULD COMMUNICATE MY NEEDS AND DESIRES OF MY FRIENDSHIPS WITH MY FRIENDS

Coming to terms with the reality of the last of these was the hardest for me to do because I typically am THE strong friend. I’m the motivator, the shoulder to cry on. I am the intercessor and the voice of encouragement more often than not. So much so that a part of me normalized not having my “friends” show up for me and I was suffering in “strength”.

July 2023 shifted the scope of “friendships”/ “relationships” for me but also shifted how I would go before the Lord. My youngest son fell over 40 feet from our apartment window and by the grace of God, he’s well and healthy. My son falling shook the unstable table which sat “my friendships” and, the overall relationship I existed within.

I recently saw a post where someone was saying that cut-off culture is so toxic because people aren’t allowed to correct or fix the error of the relationship before they cut off their relationship. To an extent, I do agree with this, but I also want to shed light on the fact that more often than not even when communication exists with the intent to save the relationship, the relationship will still die, because both parties are not willing to do the work to maintain the relationship.

The gut-wrenching reality that the foundation of this relationship was forged off of trauma, and because healing looked different for both of us the familiarity amongst one another also became the unidentifiable traits as we individually in our perspective ways worked through the very things that brought us together.

With all of my friendships, the biggest element of these relationships for me is ACCOUNTABILITY. Hold me accountable and I will do the same because no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may be in that moment if you as my friend can’t hold me accountable who can?

In my efforts to hold my friend accountable, I was told, “I cannot be to you who you have been to me.” And now, having given it time and seeking the Lord about myself because y’all know I’m asking about me before I’m asking about anybody else...I can honestly say that inadvertently, I did expect ME in some capacity from her, and because my actions taught her that she didn’t have to show up for me even minutely, the way I showed up for my asking of this not only was off-putting to her but completely out of bounds for what was defined as our relationship.

Throughout this process, I have had the please of a few things being exposed about me:

~I battled HARD with a savior complex, and in turn, when I got tired of saving, fixing, and doing whatever else I was doing, I was often left empty and drained the other party was nice and settled into who I was presenting and the whole time because Jesus is my savior who am I saving? In your best Keith Sweat voice, NOBODY BABY!

~I often present as a fixer masked as an enabler, and if people always believe I’ll show up for them they never have a reason to show up for themselves.

~I HAD TO HEAL MY TRAUMA VS HIDE MY TRAUMA (that’s a whole different blog for a whole different day, but if you caught it HOLD IT BECAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT NEED TO FOR YOU!

~The greatest thing to come of all of this is the acceptance that I do not need to overcompensate because I either am or am not enough and that is okay!

Although initially, I thought I experienced a friendship breakup, I’ve embraced that instead, I’ve experienced a breakup with a severe case of imposter syndrome and an identity that was never mine to begin with. As I continue this journey of healing and releasing and sharing this journey with y’all, as always I desire that as a collective we grow!!!

I LOVE YOU!

Dear…

Happy New Year!

As I’ve gotten older, I have truly embraced crying it out. I used to believe crying was a sign of weakness, but baby, give me some puffs with lotion because I will need it when I get done.

Today’s blog has taken me on an adventure of emotions and to say that I wasn’t sure I was ready to address them would be an understatement. But here we are because this isn’t just about me and my yes is my yes…

I am a 27-year-old mother of 4… and my mother has never been present for any of my pregnancies, postpartum recoveries and or miscarriages…

Until now, I didn’t acknowledge this bothered me, but as the realization that the comfort of my mother will never be something I experience settles in, I am…feeling. I think about the relationship I have with my girls and the relationship I will have with them as they get older and wonder if my mother ever thought about my sisters and me in these capacities.

I have accepted what is or isn’t between my mother and me, and before today, you wouldn’t have been able to tell me I wasn’t okay with this, but as one year ends and another begins, my relationship with my daughters has brought about so many emotions that I honestly didn’t expect so here we’ll unpack them together, and in the end prayerfully you’ll be able to heal as well if necessary as necessary.

In no capacity do I desire to attempt a relationship or even a conversation with my mother. This is just me normalizing being aware of your emotions, expressing them so internally they aren’t weaponized, and also making it a point to call a thing what it is and not feeling shame about it. But most importantly, exposing that the Lord cannot heal what you do not acknowledge.

I love my mother, in spite and despite I love my mother. However, I don’t love my mother more than I love myself. Becoming a mother, especially to my girls has been my most insightful experience, my girls have been my biggest reasons for attempting to understand my mother. Outside of motherhood, I believed I made genuine attempts to understand my mother, and to no avail, we never seemed to be able to reach a common point. Common ground, common respect, common anything, and because of this I made the decision that no contact was best. I will say that having my youngest daughter has brought a new level of understanding into motherhood’s complexity.

I 100% stand by my decision to go no contact with my mother, and although moments exist where I’d love to just be comforted, hugged, and told that everything would be all right because she’s there, that, unfortunately, isn’t an experience I’ll ever live and this is what provoked my desire to heal or at least begin the healing and releasing the negativity I housed regarding my mother.

I’ve been having ugly cries to the Lord. I’ve come to appreciate these times when my tears utter the things my mouth can’t seem to form. After a few of these encounters, I realized I was harboring some things against my mother that were impeding my ability to forgive her. What made this even more uncomfortable was the fact that I believed that I had forgiven her, but yet here I was, being put face to face with so many emotions and realizing my heart was closed off to the very woman who brought me into this world. I realized the woman was trying to forgive, but the little girl was very much so still suffering. So I shifted my prayer perspective.

I started asking the Lord to bring back to my remembrance the things I suppressed concerning my mother to protect myself, and as he has been doing so, whatever emotions are provoked from those memories, I release them to the Lord… Memories suppressed hold weight in how we respond to people and things and, when not addressed they become the catalyst of how we not only handle people but more importantly how we handle ourselves. Although suppressed memories are a form of protection, your brain naturally adapts, in my case, those very memories became weapons not just used against my mother but also against myself.

I’ve come to accept that healing and forgiveness have to be done daily. Every time you remember, you have to forgive, and although some moments may be harder to accept and heal than others, as memories and moments arise, I find myself at times getting angry but forgiving even through my anger.

I blamed my mother for a lot of what went wrong regarding our relationship, and in this season, I’ve had to hold myself accountable and govern myself accordingly for the role I’ve played in the breakdown of our relationship. I have had to normalize not weighing the blame of who was “more wrong” in certain situations and accept that wrong is wrong, and even if I felt like I played no part, I was at minimal an accessory to the failure of our relationship which still required acknowledgment.

Throughout all of this, I am learning how to hold myself accountable while acknowledging my emotions regarding my mother. Working through my emotions and being intentional about understanding them because I do not want to inadvertently mother any of my children but especially my daughters through an unhealed lens. Acknowledging that I love my mother and in some areas am still healing and in others have been hurt by my mother, and I’ve become intentional about seeking the Lord regarding my mother.

Praying vulnerably, honestly, and intentionally has helped me get here. This is a daily work in progress and though some days are uglier than others, I’m embracing this process because I deserve peace when I think of my mother.

If you have not had the best relationship with your parents I encourage you to look inwardly before declaring them to be the problem. You might be surprised to discover that you are becoming like who hurt you unintentionally!

I love you!

Marriage 💍

I remember being in high school, and this girl kept saying when she turned 18 she was going to get married. I kept telling her she was so young and she’ll regret it, but it seemed like it didn’t matter how much I protested she was so adamant that she was going to get married. I remember telling her “It could never be me.” I was 17 going on 18 in a few months. Fast forward 2 years later I got married.

By now if you read Sister 👯‍♀️ you know that I’m adopted. If you didn’t read it but just read that just to clarify I am adopted but I also went back into foster care and signed myself out of care in January 2017.  My life having been what it was I honestly didn’t envision myself getting married. So when I told that girl “It could never be me”, I genuinely meant that.

Biblically we know that we are the bride of Christ. No matter how intertwined in sin I was I always knew how much Jesus loves me, and understanding that marriage is a biblical principle I couldn’t see myself engaging in marriage for it to fail especially knowing how sinful I was living.

I grew up in a church filled with married couples, and I honestly can’t pinpoint a time in my life when I wasn’t exposed to marriage in some capacity. Although in most of these encounters, I didn’t have access to the intricacies of their marriages, I only saw the representatives of sentences. The united fronts that in some of those marriages eventually dissolved into divorce and in others turned into public displays of disrespect and disdain ultimately became my grounds for not wanting to be married both consciously and subconsciously. I never wanted to think I had a soulmate only to end up realizing I had a cellmate, because for many marriage becomes a life sentence of misery.

In the same year that I signed myself out of foster care, I got married, and it wasn’t until years later that I even realized both of these life-changing things happened to and for me in the same year. Looking back, I divorced a life of trauma (signing out of care) and married my freedom when I got married. My freedom didn’t necessarily come from my husband per se but because I take being the bride of Christ FIRST so seriously that we navigate our marriage with Christ as the center of it even to this day.

In one of my husband and I’s first conversations when we met, I told him I didn’t want to be some man’s baby mother. I wanted to be someone’s wife and the mother of their children. Although we were pregnant and expecting our oldest when we got married, that man heard my sincerity and made sure I was his wife before our oldest son was born. I don’t know if even he understands how much it meant to me for him to hear me, see me, and honor me enough to make me his wife before our son was born.

That level of intentionality, I had never known it, and as foreign and unfamiliar as it was to me, I NEEDED IT. I always say my husband’s love is the closest thing to God’s love that I could ever feel on earth. Especially in a climate where monogamy and marriage are so undermined, one thing I’m never doing is playing about my husband nor our marriage.

Marriage is so beautiful when done with Christ. Notice how I didn’t say perfect because it isn’t. There are bad days, good days, and even days that fall between both of those and everyday we choose each other. That was something I had never experienced until I met my husband.

I don’t give advice because you’ll never be able to say something didn’t go as anticipated because I advised you in a way. Instead, I offer encouragement. If you consider marriage or desire marriage I encourage you to take your relationship with the Lord seriously FIRST. You won’t end up in a relationship of convenience, or bound to torment with Christ leading you.

Be the bride of Christ INTENTIONALLY, and falling in love with potential won’t cause you to miss your purpose. Seven years later, and I’m proud of the decision and PERSON 20-year-old me trusted. And that is the goal, to be able to look back and have no regrets. and know you have honored THE LORD.

I love you. 🫶🏽🤍

DON’T! DO IT AFRAID

Church culture has always preached, “Do it afraid, do it scared,” and you know that’s a direct contradiction of the Bible, right?

2 Timothy 1:7

Coming back to New York, there were a few things I was very adamant about not doing. I was not going to do hair anymore, and I was not going to continue any facet of business. I genuinely love doing hair and creating products; but it is a part of me that felt slighted because no matter how hard my hustle or how intentional I was, especially about Cerenity, I always felt overlooked and like I wasn’t supported and a major of it was because I was always doing it afraid.

I’d pray and go crazy writing out my plans. Ensuring details were accurate and precise, and I’d rarely get the outcome I desired. Last year, that shifted. I quite a great job, my first job since becoming a SAHM, and focused on my business. It had its moments, but it was beautiful to experience. Moving back to New York, I STOPPED EVERYTHING. I shipped out the last of my orders that were placed before and during my move and disappeared for a while. Once I had my youngest baby, I told my husband I wanted to dissolve Cerenity… Respectfully, we bless God for a praying man because he immediately shut me down. He told me to take as much time as I needed and seek the Lord before I made any permanent decisions. I’m not even going to hold you I did no such thing… until September. Now, not too much on me. I’m always going to tell on myself before anybody else can, and to be honest with you I didn’t care to hear what the Lord had to say concerning any businesses, in part because I knew my will in those moments was being governed by my emotions and I wasn’t willing to submit to the will the Lord, so baby I left well enough alone and worked my little WFH job and minded my business.

Here’s the thing though no matter how much “minding your business” you may think you are doing, I can guarantee you that when you are not in the will of the Lord he doesn’t have to do much to let you know. Before September I kept getting asked about Respectfully ThePodcast, what’s going on with it, why did I stop, etc. My honest answer was always the same I didn’t know what was going on with it, and I stopped because I wanted to. In the same manner, I’d get questions about doing hair and products. There was always a “Please let me know when you restock, and  I need my hair done.” The way I was playing in people’s faces; a few of my regulars were coming from New England to get their hair done and that was fine but beyond one person in NY who booked me on StyleSeat by accident I was not playing with anybody. If I did your hair, I’d emphasize DONT TELL ANYBODY I DID IT, and if for some reason you happened to be able to book an appointment somewhere with me I promise you it was canceled before you could even think I was going to service you.

It wasn’t until September that I was even in a place to understand that I was in bondage WITH fear. How dare I know that any business the Lord ordains for me is ministry and I’m out here fumbling potential souls for Christ. That’s a wild work that I wasn’t intentionally engaging in, but beloved even partial obedience is disobedience. It wasn’t until September when I genuinely started to feel uncomfortable concerning my businesses that I realized I was afraid, and in arrogance, I remember telling somebody New York doesn’t deserve me.

Who did I think I was? New York doesn’t deserve me is diabolical and that’s how in my emotions and head I was. I was really out here being delusional! How dare I? When in reality I don’t deserve God’s love, his mercy, or his grace but he extends it to me daily!

I was out here doing the most and nothing all at the same time!

When I started to pray about everything business-related, this blog was one of the first things the Lord told me to do, and in the name of doing it “afraid,” I kept starting and stopping. I’d have writer’s block to the point where I’d have fifty-eleven drafts started but just stopped. After about a week of going nowhere but back and forth, I started praying about Cerneity, and as instruction came, I was trying to convince myself that it was okay even if I was afraid and the whole time, I was battling not only the emotional rollercoaster fear was taking me on but also the anxiety that fear was birthing. I had to ask the Lord, “If this is your will, why do I feel like this?” And  2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 34, specifically Psalm 34:4, and Philippians 4:6-7  became my focal point. How can I say I serve the God that  does not cause me to dwell in fear but be out here screaming from the rooftops “I’M GONNA  DO IT AFRAID”

The level and intent of revelation behind the way the Lord broke that down to me had me not only repenting but denouncing every “prophesy” and covenant I unknowingly came into agreement with concerning any business, project, and or idea the Lord gave me.

We aren’t welcoming confusion, anxiety, desperation, and or chaos into God’s work, especially because he is not the author of confusion. Although this is unfamiliar territory with this new adjustment to walking out and fulfilling my GOD-ORDAINED PURPOSE, I’m not doing it afraid. I’m doing it with the boldness of the Lord, and respectfully I encourage you to do the same! HE WON’T FAIL SO HOW CAN YOU WHEN HE’S ORDERING YOUR STEPS?

I love you!

Sister 👯‍♀️

I didn’t grow up with my biological sisters, and my relationship with my adopted sisters wasn’t the best. Although I am naturally a sister, I’ve lacked all that’s required to be a sister outside of the genetic requirements. Within the last 3 years, the relationships between the only two of my many sisters that I had a relationship with ended. Now, naturally, with both of these relationships, initially when they ended, I was angry but oddly at peace. More so because unlike every other time we’ve stopped speaking or gone no contact, this was the final time. I’ve always desired the picture-perfect TV relationship or fairytale relationship with my sisters, you know the ones where you tell each other everything and you’re the best of friends!  Ultimately, I believe that we could’ve had that type of relationship but life be life’ing…

Having my daughters has made me realize how much of the friendship my sisters and I were robbed of from the very beginning. I see the way my oldest daughter naturally nurtures and embraces her baby sister and the way my youngest daughter melts when her big sister is saying or doing anything genuinely makes my heart smile. It’s more so in the last 2 months of no contact with both of my sisters that I’ve even been able to genuinely pray for them. What do I mean? I mean, before now, I used to go before the Lord concerning them with the prerequisite of our relationship. Who I KNEW them to be from my perspective and my experiences of them and not as the women they are. It was recently that I repented for praying for them out of politics, the politics of these are my sisters, and I’m a believer, so I have to pray for them. That was a hard pill to swallow, not even because it’s the truth but because it made me realize that even the way I navigated the relationships was from a preconceived notion of experience that was political.

I am always the very first to admit that I have not always been the sweetness to everyone’s life and that, for some, I have been the pit of toxicity. Arguably, I was that for one sister while the other was that for me and vice versa. How often does taking the blame really happen? Baby, when it comes to my sisters, I have come to realize that I was the problem, and just as unsafe as they were for me I was for them, especially emotionally. I used to say to one of my sisters, “I pray my daughters never have the type of relationship we have.” And she’d always assure me they wouldn’t. I don’t know if she ever knew exactly what I was referring to or if at the time, I even realized what I was referring to but I do know that now more than ever I meant the inability to genuinely love each other without bias.

I realized that a lot of my friendships, especially with other women, didn’t work, and although the cracks and differences existed in those relationships, a very wild reality that I had to face was that my relationship with other women couldn’t thrive in a “sisterhood” authentically if my relationship with my sisters was fraudulently forged. Now although this is MY TRUTH, I’m going to hold your hand while I say this, if you are someone who doesn’t seem to be able to maintain healthy relationships with other women and you have sisters you may need to evaluate your relationship with them and heal that to have healthy relationships with other women…

Speaking solely for myself, I didn’t and still don’t know how to love my sisters. In part because I’m still learning how to love myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love myself, but just like anyone else who has dealt with trauma and given their life to Christ when the word says, “Therefore, if anyone in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17) beloved I’m still learning, embracing, and accepting that this new me is deserving of peace, love, and HEALTHY relationships. I realized that one of my biggest issues with my relationships with my sisters was that I was always jaded. I understand now that although, at the time, my being jaded was intentionally unintentional I’ve come to terms with the fact that even our defense mechanisms become excuses. Again something I’ve had to repent for. Respectfully I don’t know what sisterhood looks like amongst my sisters and me and if we ever get the chance to experience true sisterhood I pray that we all individually heal and can sharpen each other. (Proverbs 27:7) But even if we never get that chance to do it together it’s become my prayer for all of us that the Lord allows us to experience sisterhood ordained by him for us.

Although a part of me is still healing and mourning the relationship or the lack thereof with my sisters, I am encouraged to nurture and encourage the relationship with my daughters. I am also encouraged to be a good steward of the sisterhood I have been blessed with from sisters in Christ!

Although this wasn’t initially going to be my first blog or a blog at all, I had to be obedient. I pray that you heal and grow the way you should! I love you!